Sunday, May 8, 2011

Becoming a mother

I just couldn't let a mothers day go by with out talking about it.  Just the word "mother" chokes me up.  Becoming a mother has changed my life in every possible way.  The day I became a mother I was so excited...this word may even be an understatement.  I was literally laying on the operating table just giddy with a huge permanent smile on my face and every 5 seconds asking Andrew "is she out yet?" and "can you see her".  I was so excited to finally hold that baby that had been in my belly for what felt like 3 years.  The first time I heard her cry tears started streaming down my face.

The first time I saw and held my little girl my entire life changed.  There is no way to describe that feeling you get the first moment you become a mommy but I know everyone of you who has children knows exactly what I'm talking about.  I was so excited and thought I knew what I was getting in to but I had no idea.  She became the center of our world and everything I did revolved around her.  I felt a new kind of love.  With the birth of Joie came the birth of me as a Mother.

Not long after I had Joie I knew that at some point I wanted another child.  I knew that I had even more love to give.  When Joie was about a year and a half we felt ready to bring another child into the world.  We got pregnant right away and I was so excited.  We didn't tell anyone we were pregnant until we were about 14 weeks and we only told our families until we were 20 weeks and we told everyone else by announcing that we were having another little girl.  After that my elation quickly turned to fear.  I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to love another baby as much as I loved Joie.  Then I was afraid the new baby would be so fun that Joie would feel neglected  because I spent so much time with her sister.  I was just terrified all around about being a mother to two children instead of one.  I was certain they would both suffer and not get the attention the deserve because I would be too busy with the other one all the time.  My fears grew and grew.  The night before my c section I was so terrified that I couldn't even sleep.  I was up all night sick to my stomach because I was so afraid.  The next morning came and the anxiety lessened some and I felt a little excited.  This time as I laid on the operating table I just had a million thoughts going through my head and the anxiety came back worse then ever.  A minute later I heard my child cry and every one of my fears disappeared instantly and were replaced with love...just as much love as I felt for my first child.  

I had nothing to fear.  I love my daughters both so much.  I get to spend so much time with both of them and I don't feel like anyone gets to neglected (except sometimes Andrew...and the laundry).

At that point I got to experience one of my favorite things I've ever done as a mom which was introducing my daughters to each other.  It was so fun and so special and one of my favorite moments in all my life.

I just love being a mother.  I just feel so extremely blessed that the Lord has trusted me with these two little girls.  This mothers day I don't want to celebrate by going and getting a massage or having someone else take care of my kids so I can rest.  I want to celebrate by playing my with babies and just doing mommy things all day.  

Joie and Berkeley,
  I hope someday you can read this and know how much I love you and how privileged I feel to be your mommy.  You two have made my life better then I ever knew it could be.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a mommy.  I will always love you with all my heart no matter what!
  Love, Mom